‘Influencing’ Being Liked Part II

Last week we started with Smile and Physical contact. We continue in Part II with

Get them do to something FOR us.

You know when you go to a meeting or even pop along to a friend’s house, typically one of the first things that happens is that they will offer you a drink. If you want to establish, maintain, develop rapport ALWAYS accept that offer. If they don’t offer, then consider asking for a glass of water. Get them to do something for you.

The psychology is relatively simple in these terms; people do things for others if they like them. If you’re getting people to do things for you, then they will be interpreting their actions as “I must like this person because I’m doing something for them”.

The essentials of communication;

Let’s now take a look at the way in which we communicate and how we can use communication techniques in the development of Rapport. Very simply, we communicate when we’re face to face in three different ways: The Words that we use, the Tonality (the way we say those words) and our Physiology (or body language).

Words & Tonality are ‘Verbal’ communication
Physiology is ‘Non-Verbal’ communication

Verbally we should consider things like:

Words

  • Grammar
  • Tech. Terminology or Jargon
  • Acronyms & Abreviations
  • Colloquialisms
  • Parrot Phrasing
  • Para-phrasing

Also:

Tonality

  • Speed
  • Volume
  • Pitch
  • Clarity
  • Accents
  • Emphasis

Non-Verbally, (and in addition to Smile, Eye Contact & Physical Contact) it would be things like:

  • Physiology
  • Posture
  • Relative position
  • Use of gestures
  • Facial Expressions
  • Relaxed / tense
  • Fluid / formal

We’re not going to go into all of the above now but it’s worthwhile highlighting a couple.

WORDS

Firstly, Para-phrasing – rephrasing what the other person has said but using your own words. This can be useful if it’s important to introduce to the relationship a better understanding of particular words and phrases that you might normally use to mean the same thing. Beware, if this is used too much it’s possible to alienate as the other person might feel that their ‘words’ are not valued to the same extent as yours.

Parrot phrasing is a particular technique that uses the words and sentences in exactly the same way that the person that you’re speaking with would use them. There are lots of examples where this might be absolutely appropriate. One of the best is in Sales.

A critical part of the sales process is to establish the ‘need’ with the prospect, customer or client.

For examples, as a Performance Consultant, I might go into an organisation and they say, “What we’re after is middle-management development of supervisory skills and coaching”. In the summarising their need, I might say, “If I could just establish at this stage you’re looking for supervisory management development and coaching?” This illustrates that I have heard them, understood them and am utilising their words back to them to confirm that.

In car sales, a car salesman might ask, “What sort of thing are you looking for? What are you seeking to purchase? What are your family requirements?” and the customer might respond with:

“Well actually, I’m looking for something that is comfortable and fuel efficient as I spend a lot of time on the road with an integrated phone and metallic paint”

In summing up to the potential customer the salesman would use those phrases. “You’re looking for something comfortable and fuel efficient with an integrated phone and metallic paint. The comfort & fuel efficiency is really important as you spend a lot of time on the road.” That is reflecting back the words that they use in a way that is recognisable to the potential customer.

TONALITY

The way that we speak these words is also important; tonally, how we reflect the words back to people. Different people have different ways of speaking, so the speed, the tone, the volume should all be considered.

If somebody is speaking quickly then speak more quickly; if somebody is quite loud, then up the volume; if they have a deeper, slower tone then consider speaking deeper and slower. That way they recognise something in you that they like: People like people that are like them.

However, if something doesn’t feel right – don’t do it as it could be interpreted as insincerity and this always gets noticed. The other person might become conscious of it, they may not. Either way it’s a rapport breaker.

PHYSIOLOGY

Body language: Lastly, of course, there’s the physical aspect of it. There are heaps of fabulous books that go into body language and physiological communication in brilliant detail so I won’t even attempt to go into any depth here. Suffice to say that your body language; gestures, body position, relative position and then linking back to eye contact, physical contact and smiling – all of our non-verbal communication needs to be ‘congruent’ with the verbal. If we’re saying one thing but physiologically we’re saying something else, it will be picked up and no matter how strong the verbal message is the other person won’t buy-in to it. He won’t ‘believe’ you because at some level they’re recognising that there is a mismatch in your communication.

Matching & Mirroring In terms of rapport building through the way we communicate it comes down to our ability to match the way the other person communicates and mirror back to them the way in which they communicate such that they recognise in us the fact that we communicate in the same sort of way.

The last word in Rapport Building: Our job is not to get people to like us; our task is to like them.

If you go out with an attitude that no matter what, you will like the people you interact with then they are much more likely to like you.

In essence: People like people who like them and who are like them.

Next week at andyjackson.org we go into similarity and association and maybe touch on the second lesson.


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